For most of my life, if something was wrong I thought about it. Work out why, trace it back, work out where it's going. Then you're safe. Twenty-six years of assess before you act, and before that I was probably like that anyway. I got good at it. Never once stopped my chest going tight. That took me years to admit. I could explain what was happening while it was happening. Both things running at the same time, and the explaining wasn't in charge of anything. And this is the

It's three in the morning and you're awake again. Not frightened exactly. Just wide open. The experience finished days ago and something in you hasn't landed yet. You keep going back over it. You want to know what it meant, and the wanting has a kind of pressure behind it, like there's a deadline you've already missed. I know that pressure. It isn't only a psychedelic thing. I came home from active duty into a body that hadn't caught up with where it was, and I spent a long t